@sups,
sir, update sa storya ko..
i'll use "Jean" to refer to the girl that i fell for from here on.
i chose to end my 9yr relationship. not because of Jean but because of a lot of other issues na hindi na kaya at ayaw ko nang ayusin.
but i won't talk about it here. i will only talk about me and Jean...
Jean was an intern software dev in the company i work for. we were in the same team. I was in luck to be assigned to supervise her and another female intern for the duration of their internship. she was 21, i was 26. quite a gap there. but it was never apparent as we became closer and closer as friends. she knew i had a girlfriend. and she had a boyfriend back home.
we'd share laughter, smiles and throw jokes every time i sat beside her while doing work.
one day she took my number. yes, she took my number. from then on we exchanged messages very frequently. from morning til mid night, until we both fall asleep. we talked about anything and everything.
then came the day of her breakup.
i heard news that her Bf broke up with her because of another girl. i saw her cry in the office. that broke my heart. and i was there to comfort her. from then on, we talked even more, to distract her from sadness. that was the time i felt something for her. that i always wanted to see her happy. so that's what i did.
i left notes on her workstation comforting her. making her smile. i drew her on post-it's and stuck them on the side of her desktop pc. until she eventually managed to move on.
few months passed and we started coming to work together. i'd get off the train, meet her at the bus stop near her place. and we'd take the same bus together. the same
bus on the way home. we talked when we arrive home, after we had dinner, before we slept. we talked on weekends. we talked a lot. to that point where i was sending her messages even when i was with my gf. i usually delete our conversations before the day ends, to hide them.
fast forward to last month..
a day before her birthday i gave her a present, which she refused to accept initially. but she liked it very much. and said that she already threw out the one she was using before because it was given to her by her ex. she thanked me for replacing it.
on her birthday we went out of office early because we had our own appointments outside. after our appointments, we met and went out for dinner. we were lunch buddies along with other colleagues but that was the first time the two of us had serious dinner together.
while we're talking, she threw out a random question. "why haven't you added me as friend on FB?" she asked. she reasoned all of our lunch buddies are already friends with her. i guess she was expecting me to spill it out. that i was hiding from my gf then. but nah, maybe i was just assuming. perhaps that was indeed a random question. so i told her that i would add her after her internship. that night ended with me walking her to the train station. but i wish it never did end.
fast forward to her last day in office..i wished this day never came too.
it was a Friday night, we went out for a movie with our lunch buddies. after the movie, i went to accompany her to her house because i knew she was tired and sleepy. i offered to take her bag which she acknowledged with a smile. i walked her home and i wish i could have walked a lot slower for it to last a little longer.
so we got to her door step, i gave her bag and we said our "goodnights" and "goodbyes". she gave me a sweet smile before turning to her door. i didn't attempt to kiss her though. it would be too fast. i wish that night never ended as well.
in the cab we still kept exchanging messages, until i got home. and before we went to slee, she sent me a message thanking me for taking care of her during her internship. and told me that she'll definitely miss me. and that we should me sometimes. then i told her, "i'll miss you a lot." she said she'll miss all of us (her lunch buddies). and what i replied was stupid. "right. you'll miss all of us", i said. she replied, "i can feel something strange here". so i said sorry for being awkward and i immediately changed the topic. we talked, until we both fell asleep.
weekend, we still talked a lot. like normal. and "a lot" was normal.
then came monday. first day that she wasn't in office. it was sad for me. i already miss her.
then the breakup that i initiated happened.
fast foward a few days to that day i wanted to tell Jean.
it was a tuesday morning 6:30AM. i sent Jean a message saying i will unfriend her from FB. she replied "IT'S OK" (in all caps). i was worried to get her into trouble after breaking up with my gf then, so i decided to unfriend her. i didn't know how to explain to her as to why i was doing it. i was afraid she would run away and that she'd see herself as the cause of the breakup.
that same morning, i was on the train. i decided to stop by her place. i told myself, "this is it. just muster all your guts and tell her". so i did. i went to her place and told her i'll be downstairs waiting. she didn't want me to wait. told me "i don't have time to talk and meet up with you". i said i just needed to tell her something. she kept insisting that i leave. i told her, "if you don't want to see me, just say so". she never replied. perhaps she was afraid i'd never talk to her again as a friend. then finally she came downstairs and met up with me as she was about to go to school.
we walked towards the train station. she kept saying that i was crazy for coming down to her place this time in the morning.
so we reached the station. she missed her train on the way up. and i told her to wait for one more. we had to go opposite ways. so i did something kind of what i see in the movies that would end with a happy ending.
i waited for train to arrive. and before it stopped, i held her hand, well i tried to, and told her "Jean, i like you. that's what i came here for. to tell you i like you." she pulled her hand and said "Please don't". then she told me she'll be late. so she stepped into the train. turned back to face me. gave me a half smile and waved her hand.
i turned around after seeing those pretty eyes. i wouldn't want to let my tears fall in front her, much more in front of other people. so i turned around and went to proceed on my way.
on the train i told her again that i really like her and that i am just being honest. she gave the same reply, "Please don't like me". i never asked her why. then she asked me, after what happened would i still want to be friends with her? i said "of course". and that day went on like it was normal. or at least i thought.
i should have known this'll be the last day i'll see those pretty eyes.
few days passed and our conversations grew less. limited to one-liners, "good mornings" and "good nights".
one night i gathered all my guts to send her a message. i told her, i was sorry for what i did and for making things in a constant state of awkwardness between us. but i did not regret my decision of letting her know. the only thing i regret was that i might lose her as a friend. she told me to fix my relationship with my ex. she said, the people that she hated the most after she broke up with her bf are the ones that cause a relationship to break. she didn't want to hate herself.
i guess the most stupid thing that i did that night was tell her that i couldn't be friends with her without showing the care that i was used to giving her. without making her feel that i like her. so i told her that i will be staying away for quite a while. she said, "for me, this is like losing a friend who's a brother." it did hurt. i should have realized that before. i shouldn't have fallen for the signs. but maybe it is too late.
it's only been a week since our last conversation. she asked something about the project she worked on. i gave her programmed replies and we didn't talk about anything else.
i really miss her now. i remember the last time we talked normally, before she knew i like her, i promised to give her a wake up call every morning so she won't be late for school. now i could never keep that promise because i have to stay away.
i wonder how she is right now. i wish i kept all of our conversations and never deleted them. those were happy memories. i hope she's happy right now and she's doing fine. and that she has already forgotten about the crazy things that i did.
![banghead :banghead:](./images/smilies/banghead.gif)